Can't Wait For Tomorrow!

Is it possible to be so happy one moment and within seconds be overcome with an unbearable sadness?  It was Wednesday....

It all started with a visit to my "rock star" plastic surgeon.  He has done an amazing job with the girls and it was time for a check-up so he could see how they recovered from radiation.  They did great!  Surgery is scheduled for August, although I did my best to talk him into a shorter wait period.  Guess even though on the outside I look fine my body is still healing on the inside and I have to give it time to recover from the abuse.  So we (yes Rocky wouldn't have missed this appointment for anything) looked at some implants, would you believe they not only have different sizes but different profiles?  I won't go into details but will say I was absolutely giddy at the thought of saying goodbye to the two footballs I've been toting around in my chest for the past 5-months. 

It seemed like life was looking up and so near perfect that I could have cried tears of happiness.

Then...I read the obituaries, and that is when the punch in the stomach happened.  When the wind came out of my sails.  There are four of us (maybe there are more but I don't know of them) in the area who have fought triple-negative cancer and now there are three.  A very dear lady lost her battle Tuesday.  As happens w/Triple Negative it reared its ugly head again and this time spread so fast I guess there was no stopping it.  I knew she was fighting but didn't know how bad it was, so her death was a shock and another wake-up call that life is precious.  I cried (ok maybe it was sobbed) for her husband who had told me a few months ago how much he loved her and how she was his best friend, I cried for her son and daughter and how they will not have a Mom to share their joys and sorrows with, I cried for her and how she will never see her daughter get married or hold a grandchild.  And to be honest I cried for me, I don't want to be the next obituary in the paper.  I want to be the one who wins this battle.

The moral of the story is every moment is a gift and we make choices what we do with that gift.  I'm enjoying every second of my gift and will continue to do so until God decides he has other plans for me.  I don't want to waste a second on the petty stuff and believe me I've spent a lot of time and energy in the past over the petty stuff, not anymore.  I can't wait for tomorrow!  I can't wait to see my friends tomorrow and give them a big hug.  I can't wait to hear my daughters voice on the radio tomorrow.  I can't wait to see my fellow Lions and enjoy their fellowship tomorrow. I can't wait to see my co-workers tomorrow.  I can't wait to talk with Chamber members tomorrow.  I can't wait to spend another day with my husband. I can't wait to wake up in the morning and welcome a brand new day. 

The Joys of Both Hair and No Hair

Hair!  I'll NEVER take it for granted again.  When I hear someone complain or comment about their hair it makes me smile inside (if they only knew how lucky they are to have hair).  Bad color, bad cut, bad hair day, just doesn't matter it all beats absolutely no hair!!! 

Don't get me wrong I found some positives of no hair such as:

• No shaving - I had the silkiest legs you can imagine
• Wigs - No hair gives you the opportunity to try some new styles that are a little crazy.  If you gotta be bald why not have a little fun with it
• Doo Rags - I always felt like such a bad ass chick with mine, would NEVER have put one on  prior to no hair
• The biggest positive (Rocky appreciated this one) it takes no time to "get ready" when you have no hair.  No hair to wash, dry or style!  It shaved a good 30 minutes off "getting ready" time. 

Not so positives:

• The first time a clump of hair falls out in the shower.  It's hard to express the loss, it made cancer a reality.  Prior to it falling out you can still look in the mirror and see you but when it is gone you don't recognize the person staring back.
• Losing  eyebrows and eyelashes!  You look sick, end of story, you look like a sick person
• The first few months it started growing in it was like little old man hair - a bald spot and receding hair line.  It was hysterical (now, not then) almost bought stock in rogaine!

It is now coming thick, dark and curly.  It used to be fine, light brown and straight.  Everthing about chemo hair is true!  It's like a present - you never know what you are going to get but appreciate just getting it.

Over the weekend I asked Rocky if he thought there would ever be a day when I didn't think about cancer.  He said...not until your hair grows out because every time you look in the mirror it will be a constant reminder.  Wow he really gets it.  I love you Rocky.  By the way he likes my new hair.....

Can you be tired but yet so full of life at the same time?

After four surgeries, numerous scans, x-rays, five months of chemotherapy, twenty-eight radiation treatments, neuropathy, constipation, loss of vision, loss of memory, lack of clarity (chemo brain), aches, pains, head aches, early menopause, losing the girls and more that I can't even remember it is finally just about over, after 11 long months.  I'm tired...mentally, physically and emotionally.

Today after the call came that they had given the brain CT and P.E.T. a look over it appears all is clear I started crying.  Rocky was absolutely baffled he asked "aren't you happy".  Funny after 26 years wouldn't he recognize those were happy tears?  Maybe he was in shock as well. 

I'm fighting my second sinus infection in the past 2-months and am tired and not feeling so well....BUT once those antibiotics kick in and my body heals from that and todays surgery it is full-steam ahead!!!  Watch out world Lori is coming back! That is a promise.

Thank you all for the prayers, hugs, positive thoughts and also donations .  With the genrosity of so many I have a account set up that helps pay the tremendous  expenses that comes with this fight. But please NO MORE donations!  Please consider giving to a very dear friend Mike Smith as he rides in the memory of his wife Karen, in this years Pelotonia Bike Ride.  Find out more at http://www.mypelotonia.org/riders_profile.jsp?MemberID=108230

As much as I wish the journey was over still have a little more to go.  Will meet with the plastic surgeon next week and determine the time-line for the next leg in this adventure.

Hugs to everyone for your support.

Have You Ever Been Scared?

Tomorrow is the big day the first PET Scan since chemo and radiation ended.  This week I'll know if the cancer if gone or if the fight goes on.  I'm scared, so scared I'm sick...that's a little out of character for me.  But when the results can mean the difference between life and death it has to scare even the bravest person.  Doesn't it?  I know how Bob & Desni Crock must feel when they take their beautiful daughter Bridgett in for her scan (although it must be a hundred times worse for them) they must be so scared.  Oh the relief and exhiliration they must feel when the results come back all clear!  Now that is making me smile.

I have told everyone that when this scan comes back clear I'll take it as a message that I have a second chance at life and promise I'll make every moment of it count. 

Yes Heroes Do Exist

I used to live in a place full of heroes.  They were men and women serving in the United States Air Force who made a sacrifice for a cause greater than themselves.  My husband was and still is a hero, he left us when Kylie was 1 year old, just a baby to fight for his country.  That is a hero to me.

Mike Smith and Darren Johnson two people I went to high school with are heroes, they go out every day and save lives, putting their own at risk I'm sure and somehow I don't think either one will get rich doing what they do.  I bet they do it because they love helping people.  That is a hero.

I learned in the past year that heroes are everywhere and many may pass you on the street and you won't even know it...they don't wear a uniform, they don't have a badge, they just blend in with everyone else.  People like Stephanie Wiles, Stephanie had lost her Mom very suddenly several years ago and then she lost her Dad in a terrible accident (something that should never have happened).  She was going through her own personal hell but when one of her friends was diagnosed with cancer Stephanie put her own life on hold.  She made a sacrifice to a friend.  I won't go into all the details but will say this...Stephanie Wiles changed my life forever.  She was my rock in the middle of a terrible storm.  She was there even when it wasn't convenient to be there.  She gave me fun times when it was dark.  And she brought a community together to show someone (who still doesn't think they were worthy) how special they were to so many.  That is a hero.  My hero.

I'm sending a challenge out that if you read this please take a moment and tell a hero out there how much you appreciate their sacrifice....Rocky, Mike, Darren and Stephanie thank you!

A little background on 2010

In April 2010 while on the operating table (I had elected to not be put under for the biopsy) Dr. McElroy walked back into the room, over to me, put his hand on my arm and said "I'm sorry Lori it's cancer".  Life as I knew it stopped at that moment. 

Let's go back...my Mom is a breast cancer survivor of 10-years.  In 2005 I found my first lump and was scared but after a biopsy was told it was nothing, my breasts are very fibrous.  Skip forward to 2009 after having a yearly mammogram all seemed well but in the fall I found a lump, had another mammogram and ultrasound and the result was "you have fibrous breasts".  So in March 2010 when I felt the lump I wasn't really worried, actually didn't make the doctor appointment for about a month.  I had fibrous breasts after all no need to panic.  Even the doctor didn't panic, because the lump was hurting (yes cancer can hurt when it is growing at an amazing speed) she prescribed an antibiotic, but just to be safe scheduled a ultrasound the next day.  Within a few days I was in surgery getting a biopsy, still not worried, not expecting to ever hear the cancer word.

If there is a male-angel in Marietta it is Dr. McElroy, he walked beside me as they wheeled me out of the operating room, never leaving my side.  While in recovery he said he was going to call and get me a appointment with Dr. Cawley, he worked with her and she was a friend. That was Wednesday on Friday I was at the Strecker Cancer Center with my oncologist Dr. Cawley going over the game plan. 

I'm going to leave out a lot of the in-between happenings and cut-to-the-chase.  The cancer had spread!  Word of advice never wait when you find a lump.  It was in my lymph nodes...you could almost see it travelling in my body.  First stop lymph nodes under the arm, next stop lymph nodes in the collar bone, next stop mammary glands, next stop on the spine and finally a second tumor in the breast.  Stage 3C the next stage is 4 and that is when it is in an organ. 

Chemo began in April and ended in September of 2010.  Five months of what I thought then would be the worst time.  Little did I know it can get worse. 

Double mastectomy in October, I didn't have to have both removed only the trouble maker left breast, but after a lot of thought decided being lopsided wouldn't work for me, I'm just to active and knew it would bother me forever.  The odds of the cancer returning to the other breast are actually slim.  Triple Negative does like to make a come-back but unfortunately it is to the liver or brain.

To be honest the mastectomy didn't bother me, under the care of Dr. McElroy (surgeon) and Dr. Yoak (plastic surgeon) it went well.  I had expanders placed during surgery, although the girls sure don't look the same I still have them.  Recovery was painful, excruciating at times but within 3-weeks I was back at work and having the expanders filled each week w/a saline solution.  And even that wasn't the worst.

At the end of November the worst began...it was when the chemo began to leave my system (not everyone is impacted by this, lucky me) and my own personal nightmare began.  Every movement hurt, my joints were suffering a chemo withdrawal, couldn't take a step w/out pain.  On top of that I was still recovering from the surgery and to make matters worse neuropathy had set in, numbness in both hands and feet.  How people live with pain every day I'll never know.  Life was at the lowest it has ever been.  By mid-January the symptoms were slowly decreasing happy, happy, joy, joy!  Unfortunately it was a short lived celebration as radiation had started.  After 28 sessions of tomotherapy radiation I am now just beginning to feel like a normal person.

Still a few surgeries to go but that seems like a cake-walk compared to where I've been!